Saturday 16th March 2024
Appy ever after in the US, slippery characters in the UK, and fake views in Russia
10 US / Byte me
The House of Representatives passed a bill that would ban TikTok (widely considered to be a security risk) unless Chinese parent company ByteDance sells its controlling stake. Prez Biden said he’d sign the plan into law if it made it to his desk – but political rival Donald Trump wasn’t so keen, even though it was his idea in the first place. “If you get rid of TikTok, Facebook and Zuckerschmuck will double their business,” he said. “I don’t want Facebook, who cheated in the last election, doing better.” Whether the bill continues up the chain and through the Senate is likely to be seen as an indication of how much power the legally challenged light entertainer still wields over the Republican Party. The cash-strapped void recently became friends with Jeff Yass, who owns a $15bn stake in, erm, ByteDance.
09 UK / Black mark 🤯
Why can’t PM Rishi Sunak catch a break? A victim of circumstance or of being bad at politics? Either way, this week found his despo party introducing a clampdown on extremism while others denounced it as racist for accepting dosh from a gilted gammon. It’s obviously hard to return a much-needed 10mn quid – but, for most people, the point at which the source of that money is caught saying a black politician makes you “want to hate all black women” and that she “should be shot” is probably it. The donor also said there was “no room for the Indians” but Sunak’s muted response could well turn out to be the saddest statement of all.
08 RUSSIA / Who me? 🤷
The public went to the “polls” to “elect” the “president”. More of a show of a functioning democracy than an, erm, functioning democracy, the vybory bez vyborov sham was seen by detractors as an extravagant way to demonstrate legitimacy for the Putin regime and its stupid war in Ukraine. But will the West have the balls to call it out? Will Putin creak on in his pointless attempt to outrule Stalin? And will the electorate protest their erstwhile leader by turning up to vote en masse at 12pm tomorrow, as per Alexei Navalny’s wish? At the polling booths in Tyumen, locals are being offered a selfie with a cardboard cut-out of Tucker Carlson.
07 HAITI / Plan ban 🇭🇹
The Caribbean nation continued its descent into chaos after the Kenyan government said it wouldn’t be sending a promised 1,000 police to help quell the unrest, since that was a deal done with (now) ex-PM Ariel Henry. “The situation totally changed now, because the gangs are now working together,” aid worker Judes Jonathas said. What the situation is, is one of total lawlessness – and global leaders have zero ideas on how to fix it. “The international community banked on Ariel Henry, and that was a major mistake,” Virginia Uni’s Robert Fatton said.
06 US / Get out 🔏
Ultra-Orthodox Jewish women in upstate New York staged a sex strike in protest at the abuse of gets, a letter written by a man to a woman that finalises a divorce. It’s in response to a global problem in which wrong’ uns have been using gets as leverage, in return for cash or the kids, or not writing them at all to keep their exes single. Yeshiva University’s Herschel Schacter said the (non-)action was a violation of Jewish law that could wreck marriages; many women thought he’d come a little late to the game.
05 BRAZIL / Both barrels ↔️
The confused country wants to ramp up oil production while going green. “Having it both ways is very much part of Brazil’s policy DNA,” Prof Oliver Stuenkel from Fundação Getulio Vargas said. “We will be a green superpower, yes, but we’re not going to take unnecessary risks. That means preparing for a world in which oil will play an important role for a long time and the transition takes longer than expected.”
04 US / Bomb fright 📝
A Department of State report warned that AI could wipe out humans. “The recent explosion of progress in advanced artificial intelligence (AI) has brought great opportunities, but it is also creating entirely new categories of weapons of mass destruction-like (WMD-like) and WMD-enabling catastrophic risks,” it stated.
03 NEW ZEALAND / Out of the blue 🦑
Intrepid scientists discovered 100 new underwater species in the Bounty Trough off the South Island coast, with loads more to come. “It’s probably the equivalent of a space mission,” marine biologist Alex Rogers said. Just 10% of ocean life is known atm.
02 SAUDI ARABIA / Rig economy 🛢️
An old oil rig was revamped with three hotels, an underwater restaurant and go-karts, because why not. The Bond villain-style fantasy also includes a rollercoaster.
01 AUSTRALIA / Come slither 🐍
Climate change and more active reptiles have put snake-handlers in high demand.
Make-it-into-a-tea-towel of the week: fat chance 🍔
The world’s chubbiest places (as of 2022, more than 1bn people were classed as obese, according to The Lancet):
Number of the week: digging in 🪨
$12.4trn
Mineral wealth of Ukrainian land currently held by Russia.
Quote of note: who said…? 🎤
“The only advice everyone gives me is to bring my Wellies.”
(a) Shania Twain on Glastonbury.
(b) Donald Trump on Washington.
(c) Alan Titchmarsh on the Chelsea Flower Show.
Find the answer here.
Stat of the week: neighbourhood botch 💥
47%
Proportion of Poles who reckon that, at some stage, Russia will attack them.
Image of the week: best in class act 🐕
The Anatomy of a Fall star does the classic over-the-shoulder pose at the Oscars: