Saturday 27th November 2021
Wasting time in the English Channel, playing with fire in Ukraine, and recasting couches in the UK
10 FRANCE & UK / French farce
Relations between the two countries fell to an embarrassing new low after PM Boris Johnson wrote an open letter to the French government, which used it as an excuse to uninvite home sec Priti Patel to a meeting of European ministers to sort out the migrant crisis. “We find the open letter from the British prime minister unacceptable… Thus, Priti Patel is not invited anymore to the ministers’ meeting,” a French official said. Over at the Home Office, the recruitment process to recruit a high-up to deal with the crisis hit a brick wall because no one wants to work with her. “There is a big turnover of senior staff as people think if there are no consequences for [Patel’s] bad behaviour, they can’t carry on working there,” a source said. Meanwhile, inaction on both sides of the Channel continued to cost lives.
09 UKRAINE / Line management 🪖
As the country drifts to the West and dreams of joining NATO, Russia’s President Putin is doing his level-best to dissuade it by amassing troops along the border they share. “I think for Putin it’s really important,” R.Politik’s Tatiana Stanovaya said. “He thinks the West has begun giving Ukraine’s elite hope about joining NATO.” Many reckon the show of force is likely to be more sabre-rattling than anything, and a clumsy way of asking for a summit with the US, since a Russian invasion would make relations with the West more awkward than a clown at a funeral. “A vicious war in Ukraine could shatter the unity and legitimacy of the Russian regime,” said man-in-the-know Mark Galeotti. “The good news is that I suspect the regime… understands that.”
08 UK / Woman trouble 🤯
Bypassing the way the world is going, Tory MP for Don Valley Nick Fletcher said that casting a female actress as Dr Who was bad because it reduced the role models available for young men – leaving them no option but to follow in the footsteps of TV’s cool baddies. He then denied saying it by releasing a weird statement, in which he wrote that “the only characters many boys… see on television and online are increasingly criminal” – which seems a bit unfair on Boris Johnson. Whatever your take on the MP’s “rather nuanced point”, it’s worth noting the male prison population has slightly decreased since Jodie Whittaker took over as the Doctor.
07 CANADA / Growing industry
Ride-hailing app Uber put its money where its mouth is by launching a weed-growing business on Uber Eats, in which spliffs can be picked up from nominated dispensaries within the hour. According to research firm BDS Analytics, cannabis sales are set to reach CAN$6.7bn by 2026. “We see so much opportunity out there, and we’re going to focus on the opportunity at hand,” Uber’s, erm, reef executive Dara Khosrowshahi said on CNBC in April. As horizontal business strategies go, it’s an inspired decision: not only will customers be hungry but also too stoned to drive.
06 TURKEY / Market value 🦃 📉
Still trying to make “fetch” happen, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan defended his unique take on modern economic theory/basic common sense – which has involved continually slashing interest rates despite rising inflation (now running at a dangerous 20%). The lira – which has lost 40% of its value this year – is now so low against the dollar, euro and groat that foreign investment is drying up faster than an eczema clinic in winter.
05 RUSSIA / Lie of the land
The Kremlin attempted to rewrite history by moving to dismantle Memorial International, a human rights group devoted to remembering those who suffered in the gulags back when Russia was the Soviet Union. Millions of people died but the Putin regime wants to put the disaster behind it and destroy the evidence in a bid to “make Russia great again”.
04 SUDAN / Job scare
PM Abdalla Hamdok was back in the driving seat after being ousted in last month’s military coup. Kind of. He’s now sharing the wheel with Lieutenant General Abdel Fattah al-Burhan, after a UN-brokered agreement. The public remains unconvinced the arrangement will lead to a functioning democracy.
03 UK / Chinese whispers 🕵️
In an attempt to counter the growing cyber threat from a technologically superior China, British spy bosses have all changed their passwords from “password” and launched a recruitment drive for Mandarin speakers.
02 NORTH KOREA / Screaming platform
Under its “Elimination of Reactionary Thought and Culture” law, a man was sentenced to death for smuggling copies of hit Netflix show Squid Game.
01 SOUTH KOREA / Hair apparent
Young women are cutting down on spending time getting ready by wearing hair curlers in public.
Make-it-into-a-tea-towel of the week: the writing’s on the wheel
What all the stuff on a car tyre means:
Number of the week: deaf ears 🙉
£22,000
What someone paid for a karaoke sesh with foreign sec Liz Truss at the Tory Winter Ball. Rumours that someone else paid £44,000 to avoid it are unconfirmed.
Quote of note: who said…? 🎤
“A pork pie short of a picnic”
(a) The Daily Star on Boris Johnson’s latest speech/stand-up attempt.
(b) An unimpressed (Teddy) bear on Hampstead Heath.
(c) The Vegan Society on Nigella Lawson’s Christmas special.
Find the answer here.
Stat of the week: mature assets 👴 👵 👴 👵
1 in 4
The proportion of voters who are pensioners in North Shropshire. The Tory candidate in Owen “Sleaze” Paterson’s old seat is backing measures that would see pensioners paying another £2k in tax.
Link of the week: sting in the tale 🏴
Sign this petition to change how the Welsh government portrays the country’s dragon.