Saturday 4th May 2024
Counting the cost in the UK, a close call in the Middle East, and airing grievances in Russia
10 UK / Home run
After the Home Office admitted it was “unable to locate” 3,555 of the 5,700 migrants slated for deportation to Rwanda (but remained “confident of their whereabouts” 🤣), detractors of the policy rejoiced while its proponents despaired at the paedo terrorist cells that asylum-seekers were no doubt setting up outside the local Saino’s. Meanwhile, those caught between the two camps – aka most of the population – worried about the cozzie livs instead and let their feelings be known in the local and by-elections: the Labour opposition took Blackpool South with the third-largest swing in history. As the Tories clung on to small wins like the Tees Valley mayoralty, it was left to political scientist John Curtice to spell it out: “We’re looking at one of the worst, if not the worst, Conservative performance in local government elections for the last 40 years,” the prof said.
09 GAZA & ISRAEL / Fight snub ✊
The International Criminal Court was thought to be preparing arrest warrants for both Hamas and Israeli officials – including gung-ho PM Benyamin Netanyahu. “The threat to seize the soldiers and officials of the Middle East’s only democracy and the world’s only Jewish state is outrageous,” Benny said. “We will not bow to it.” As the police cracked down on pro-Palestinian protests on posh uni campuses across the US, Arab leaders did the same for fear that objector dissatisfaction could spread to their governments too. The prospect of a ceasefire in Gaza grew tantalisingly close – though one big sticking point remained. “If the enemy carries out the Rafah operation, negotiations will stop,” a Hamas spokesman warned.
08 RUSSIA / Past crimes 🧪
As a history buff, perhaps it was only natural for Vlad the Bad to deploy banned chemical weapons last seen in WWI. According to the US State Department, the “choking agent” chloropicrin – and teargas – have been widely used to smoke Ukrainian troops out of fortified positions. Both substances are illegal under the Chemical Weapons Convention, which Moscow signed up to; Prez Macron of France pointed out that honour/rules/a basic level of human decency meant nothing to Moscow anymore: “We have undoubtedly been too hesitant by defining the limits of our action to someone who no longer has any and who is the aggressor,” he said.
07 IRELAND / Border whine 🛂
A pissed-off Republic threatened to introduce emergency laws that would allow it to send an influx of migrants back to the UK. Dublin reckoned 80% of them had come from Northern Ireland, crossing the border to avoid being dumped in Rwanda; NI’s Democratic Unionists queried their number and origin. Unlike M&S, which understands the British public better than most, PM Rishi’s attitude to returns was less than generous: “I can confirm that the United Kingdom has no legal obligation to accept returns of illegal migrants from Ireland,” he intoned bloodlessly.
06 SCANDINAVIA / Blood sussed 🩸
Researchers from Denmark’s Technical Uni in Kongens Lyngby and Lund Uni in Sweden found a way to transform A and B blood groups into type-O, which – if all goes well in clinical trials – could double the supply of universal donors and shorten waiting lists for organ transplants. The technique could also come in handy for aging populations, which feast on the blood of the young like vampires at a frat party; in high-income countries, more than 50% of transfusions go to those over 60.
05 PHILIPPINES / No truck
Jeepney drivers went on strike in protest at government plans to replace the country’s taxis. Adapted from US Army motors left behind after WWII, Manila wants to replace the national icons with greener vehicles that also happen to cost a lot. “Small operators… will not be able to afford this programme – and in the end huge corporations may take over the industry,” union man Jan Atienza said.
04 AMAZON / Plant base 🐂
Enterprising companies are trying to overturn decades of tradition by making reforestation more lucrative than cattle-ranching. “You know that people who handle cattle don’t care much about this reforestation stuff,” said cowboy Anderson Pina Farias, [but] “if selling carbon is better than ranching, we can change businesses.”
03 GUATEMALA / Poppy appeal 💊
The grey economy suffered as fentanyl replaces heroin in the affections of US drug-takers. “It’s easier to produce a synthetic opioid in a laboratory than relying on a crop grown in remote mountains,” anthropologist Rigoberto Quemé said.
02 VIETNAM / Ban of the people 👋
Parliament teetered after National Assembly chairman Vuong Dinh Hue resigned amid corruption charges. He’s the fifth top Politburo member to go since 2021.
01 WORLD / Slay for pay 🐉
Novels about dirty dragons and fornicating fairies topped the bestseller lists.
Make-it-into-a-tea-towel of the week: shaggy dog story 🐶
The decline of sex on screen, as shown by The Economist:
Number of the week: cash pack 💸
€800mn
What Europe’s seven biggest banks in Russia paid the Kremlin in taxes last year.
Quote of note: who said…? 🎤
“I simply close my beautiful blue eyes sometimes, listen intently, and take it all in!”
(a) Donald Trump on falling asleep in court.
(b) A husky on the otherworldliness of the Norwegian tundra.
(c) A baby on watching This Morning with his mum.
Find the answer here.
Stat of the week: shot list ☕
95%
Starbucks be banned: the proportion of Aussie coffee shops that are independently owned.
Image of the week: inside job 🧠
Check out Leonardo da Vinci’s brain: