10 US / Hair apparent 🪮
If an alien wanted to understand the delicate state of humanity rn, all they’d need to do is witness the slagging match between the world’s richest man and its most powerful one. The falling-out came after Prez Trump published his “Big Beautiful Bill” – not in fact a paean to ex-prez Clinton but a sweeping 1,000-page piece of legislation with implications for weirdonaire Musk’s various businesses. In response, the thin-skinned Tesla tyrant called for his old boss to be impeached, predicted his tariffs would cause a recession, threatened to cut off NASA’s access to Space X, and suggested he was a sexual predator. Gloves off, some wondered how Musk – whose government cost-cutting initiative largely ended in failure – would fare against a capricious ex-father figure, and what the implications would be for the rest of us. If only they’d kept their hair, the history of the world might have taken a different turn.
09 UK / Minority report 👋
Having decided Nigel Mirage was just that, Zia Yusuf resigned as Reform chairman after its newest MP’s predictable call for a burqa ban caused him to realise that supporting the land of warm beer and petty posturing was no longer “a good use of my time”. Whether it was just another moment in the pyschodrama that constitutes Mirage’s political career, or the beginning of the end of a party struggling under the weight of having to behave like one, was up for debate. Adding fuel to the fire, Labour pulled off a surprise by-election win in Scotland that was supposed to signal Reform’s ascent to the mainstream. “This community has sent a message to Farage and his mob: the poison of Reform isn’t us, it isn’t Scotland and we don’t want your division here,” MSP Davy Russell said.
08 IRAN / Real deal ☢️
Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei dismissed the US’s proposal for a nuclear agreement, and promised to keep enriching uranium following protracted negotiations in which Washington ummed and ahhed over the amounts Tehran should be allowed – or even if it should be allowed at all. “Who are you to tell us whether we should have a nuclear programme or not?” he asked. In theory, Iran’s enrichment push is for stuff like nuclear medicine and commercial power but a secret UN report, which found material not reported to the IAEA, suggests bigger plans are afoot. Tehran has also been leaning on Beijing for the bits to make ballistic missiles.
07 UKRAINE / Gun direction 🪖
As pointless peace talks continued in Istanbul, Ukraine went on the offensive inside Russia with an audacious raid on its air force before attacking the bridge linking it to Crimea – which it showed in real time after hacking the bridge’s very own CCTV. Meanwhile, Moscow’s miserable approach to its own men – a new study puts deaths and injuries at the million mark – meant that Russia continued to make inroads on the front lines. “The Russians are stalling,” Ukrainian spokesman said Heorhii Tykhyi said. As both sides show confidence on the battlefield, really sitting down at a conference table looks far off.
06 US / Golden bulletin 🤑
The line between corporate greed and presidential plutocracy became blurrier than Robin Thicke’s intentions, after Trump was offered (and rejected) $15m to settle a lawsuit he filed against CBS for editing an interview in Kamala Harris’s favour during last year’s prezzy lec. According to California legislators, a settlement “would damage public trust in CBS News […], diminishing the state’s stature as a national leader in ethical journalism”. Parent company Paramount wants Trump to approve a merger.
05 POLAND / Sharp turn ➡️
The EU saw what it was up against after far-right newbie-with-a-shady-past Karol Nawrocki was elected prez with 50.9% of the vote. It leaves Euro-friendly PM Donald Tusk’s legislative agenda in a bind, since Nawrocki’s likely to veto or delay most of it – splitting the country between the liberal ideals of Brussels and the MAGA mania of Washington. “We don’t want to be a European Union province,” he said in April.
04 AFRICA / Cash back 💳
Trad billionaire and Microsoft founder Bill Gates said he’d spend the $200bn left in his Monzo account on education and health across the continent. The statement was partly a response to the Trump admin’s cruel decision to cut USAID – Boston Uni reckons 300,000 mostly kids have died as a result – and as recompense for Clippy.
03 MONGOLIA / Popular smote 👜
Lobster claws were off the menu at PM Oyun-Erdene Luvsannamsrai’s, who resigned after losing a confidence vote. It followed weeks of protests in the poverty-stricken country, as citizens tired of seeing his daughter-in-law’s new handbags on Insta.
02 UK / Home truths 🏡
A Rightmove survey found the smug bastards of Woodbridge in Suffolk deemed it the best place to live in Britain. The residents of Slough said their town was the worst.
01 US / Slab technicians 🧪
Scientists at Texas A&M Uni invented a self-healing concrete that fills its own cracks.
Make-it-into-a-tea-towel of the week: big ban ⛔
The random countries whose citizens are banned from entering the US:
Number of the week: voice note 🎶
1bn
Spotify streams of Rick Astley’s 1987 megahit “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
Quote of the week: who said…? 🎤
“The makeup, the hair, the sharp tongue, the cattiness. He’s the gayest president we’ve ever had.”
(a) Log Cabin Republican Adam Ewer on Trump.
(b) French first lady Brigitte on husband Emmanuel.
(c) Trump on National Rifle Association boss Charles “Candy” Cotton.
Find the answer here.
Stat of the week: brief encounter 🩲
41%
Increase in Google searches for Speedos in the UK.
Image of the week: off the scale 🐟
A dead “Doomsday” oarfish (collie for size), which washed up on Straya’s Tasmanian coast:
