Sunday 21st April 2024
An exchange of ire in the Middle East, burning ambition in the UK, and chipping in online
10 IRAN & ISRAEL / Striking a balance
“Just bomb them a bit, yeah?” That was the gist of the advice/warning given to Israel by her friends in the West, ahead of the retaliatory strike on the central Iranian city of Isfahan in the early hours of Friday morning. The campaign was in response to the 300 missiles lobbed Tel Aviv’s way last weekend – an act that upended decades of clandestine warfare by being waged so openly. According to Eliot Cohen in The Atlantic, the give-no-shits approach is down to Tehran’s informal coalition with China, Russia and, er, North Korea, who all feel “their moment is coming, when a divided and indecisive West, richer but flabbier, will not fight”. The Israeli reply – designed as a symbolic show of force in favour of all-out destruction – allowed for faces saved and, for now, an uneasy sleep across the Middle East.
09 UK / Fag end 🚬
Following New Zealand’s lead, the Conservative government pushed on with a bill to stop those born from 2009 on from ever being able to legally spark up. Some party members were at odds with the move, citing their libertarian principles (unbuckle those seatbelts, guys!) but sense prevailed in other quarters: “It’s a gradual long-term reform that doesn’t affect anyone now smoking, protects young people from a dangerous addictive drug, supports the NHS and saves the taxpayer and society a fortune,” backbencher Jesse Norman Xed. “We will give our full support to this bill so that the next generation are even less likely to smoke than they are to vote Conservative,” the opposition Labour party’s health man Wes Streeting bitched.
08 INTERWEBZ / Gulf in understanding 💻
Geopolitical bickering between East and West continued to play out online, after Microsoft announced it would be replacing Huawei in the affections of Abu Dhabi-based AI outfit G42. In a $1.5bn deal negotiated with the US gov, G42 agreed to dump Chinese chips in return for access to Microsoft’s restricted computing infrastructure. Separately, China told Apple to remove encrypted messaging services like Telegram and WhatsApp from its Chinese app store over “national security concerns” like not being able to read every single citizen’s every single thought. Web-watchers said nothing less than the future of the 💩 emoji was at stake.
07 EU / Moving on 👋
Brussels unveiled a dastardly plan to allow free movement of young people between the EU and the UK. If everyone agrees, 18- to 30-year-olds will be able to apply for cross-continental shagging holidays visa-free travel just like in the old days. “The more we have youth mobility being on both sides of the channel, the more we increase the probability we will be on good terms because the next generation knows each other very well,” European Commission prez Ursula von der Leyen said. In the UK, an eyes-on-the-election-prize Labour party poured cold water on the idea.
06 UKRAINE / Materiel world 💬
International support for the war resumed, after US Republicans were cajoled into approving a series of foreign aid bills that included $61bn of military assistance for Kyiv. Six months in the making, it came too late for the 17 people who were killed in Moscow’s latest bombardment – but was nevertheless seen as a lifeline that could help decide the outcome of the invasion. “Our warriors on the front lines, as well as our cities and villages suffering from Russian terror, will feel it,” Prezelensky Xed.
05 CHECHNYA / Foreign beaty
The Russian republic effectively banned dance music after demanding that “all musical, vocal and choreographic works” adhere to between 80 and 116BPM. “Borrowing musical culture from other peoples is inadmissible,” culture minister Musa Dadayev said. While most trad stuff already adheres to the new boundaries, artists with more upbeat compositions have been given until 1st June to rewrite.
04 US / Naked truth 🤰
Baby- and mother-care brand Frida challenged the double standards of social channels and TV networks that are happy to show sexy naked women but squeamish when it’s painfully pregnant ones. Featuring porn star Asa Akira, the new website shows explicit videos like how to perform a perineum massage to ease birthing pains.
03 US / Storm in a DD cup 🍒
Donald Trump’s unique résumé got even more special as he became the first ex-prez to face criminal trial. Over 50 prospective jurors were dismissed after saying they’d find it hard to remain impartial. “I just couldn’t do it,” Melania T one admitted.
02 CHINA & RUSSIA / Metal allergy 🙈
Copper producers are bypassing sanctions by flogging it as scrap. “The Federal customs service temporarily does not provide data on foreign trade,” Russia said.
01 UK / Split decision 👋
A fancy family law firm divorced the wrong couple by mistake.
Make-it-into-a-tea-towel of the week: Turkish delight 🍆
The globe’s top shaggers, according to the World Population Review:
Number of the week: pound slop 📘
£1,512.88
Advance paid to Liz Truss for her memoir Ten Years to Save My Face the West, out (of it) this week.
Quote of note: who said…? 🎤
“In the old days, professional entertainers used to entertain the public. Now the public are entertaining themselves.”
(a) Ofcom boss Michael Grade on reality TV.
(b) Donald Trump on his current court appearance.
(c) Liz Truss on her current book.
Find the answer here.
Stat of the week: marked down 📝
20%
Share of US students who were, erm, classed as depressed in 2019.
Image of the week: hand-me-downs 🫶
From great-grandfather to great-grandchild: this year’s Black and White Minimamlist Photography Prize was won by Yvonne C Krystovsky: