Sunday 4th February 2024
Settling up in Europe, conflicting stories in the Middle East, and pulling out in West Africa
10 EU / Awkward sod
The EU agreed €50bn in aid for Ukraine after Hungarian PM Viktor Orbán finally lifted his veto. Officials had made plans to hit Budapest with sanctions, should he not comply, and it’s still unclear whether he got anything in return. “If this deal had not been reached and Hungary had continued to use its right of veto then 26 member states would have agreed to send the money to Ukraine... and would have taken away the funds earmarked for Hungary and sent that to Ukraine as well,” he croaked. So why the holdout? With European elections coming up in June, some reckon it was part of a grand strategy to garner populist support, boot out the transgender cheese-eaters running the EU and ally the bloc to a Trumped-up America instead. “My plan is not to leave,” he said in December, “but to take over Brussels.”
09 MIDDLE EAST / Bomb threat 💥
The first US military fatalities following the fallout from the Israel/Hamas war prompted a bombing campaign “at times and places of our choosing”, according to Prez Biden’s prompt card. Iran denied being involved in the drone strike in Jordan that started it but the MADE IN TEHRAN stamp on the bottom convinced military experts otherwise. As US senators called for “devastating retaliation across the Middle East”, wiser heads like the International Crisis Group’s Ali Vaez warned that provoking an unstable beast would encourage nuclearization – since Iran’s rulers would gamble on the West being keen to avoid Armageddon. “To stop a nuclear Iran, the United States has just one real option: diplomacy,” he said.
08 WEST AFRICA / Three-line blip 🌍
The trio of military juntas who staged coups to wrest control of Burkina Faso, Mali and Niger vowed to withdraw from the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS), after the bloc imposed sanctions on them for, erm, staging coups. The juntas said ECOWAS had “become a threat to its member states and their people”, and that the sanctions were “inhumane” – but commentators countered that leaving would affect trade relations, ignite regional instability, and generally be a pain in the arse for the remaining 12 members. South of the Sahara, there’s now an unbroken line of military-controlled countries running coast to coast.
07 NORTHERN IRELAND / Border line 🤞
Democratic Unionist Party leader Jeffrey Donaldson saved up all the meetings he never went to since his party quit the government two years ago, and splurged on an overnight five-hour marathon in which members agreed to return to Belfast in a new power-sharing deal with Michelle O’Neill’s republican Sinn Féin party. Many think it’s the last chance for devolution and are crossing fingers for its success. As The Economist put it: “For the first time in the 103-year history of Northern Ireland, the province will be led by someone who doesn’t even want Northern Ireland to exist.”
06 US / Mad chatter 🍕
Democrat-supporting Taylor Swift’s romance with American football ledge Travis Kelce was revealed as nothing less than a piece of “carefully crafted political propaganda”, with presidential nutcase ex-hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy suggesting that lefties in the NFL planned to rig next weekend’s Super Bowl so that Kelce’s team wins – prompting an even bigger Biden bump. Too busy making pizza dough at Comet Ping Pong, Hillary Clinton and other senior Democrats declined to comment.
05 SOUTH AFRICA / Cash infection 💰
Is the rainbow nation the latest entry on Iran’s asymmetric_warfare_ops.xls spreadsheet? Cash for questions is the latest rumour swirling around geopolitical circles, after the African National Congress party accused Israel of genocide. No one’s found any evidence of a “large cash contribution” to ANC coffers yet – but it’s true their “acute financial problems” magically disappeared since visiting Tehran.
04 INDIA / Uphill cattle 🐄
The protection of sacred cows in Uttar Pradesh is having the reverse effect, as the state’s 1.2mn strays wander about munching plastic bags, wrecking crops and causing traffic pile-ups. In another animal news, a pigeon thought to be a Chinese spy was released after eight months behind bars.
03 CANADA / Sled man walking 🛷
After Toronto banned tobogganing, a councillor wants to overturn the decision. “This was lazy. This was the big government bureaucracy… and a unilateral ban is really the worst of Toronto, it’s no fun city,” Brad Bradford said. Meanwhile…
02 NEPAL / Living wage ⛰️
Sherpas are giving up climbing Everest in favour of less perilous professions. “It’s getting warmer,” one called Maya said, “and the mountain is getting more dangerous.”
01 ITALY / Corking plan 🍷
Florence Airport is planning a new terminal with a 19-acre vineyard on the roof.
Make-it-into-a-tea-towel of the week: pay as you sow ⚖️
The impact Donald Trump’s legal fees is having on campaign funds:
Number of the week: net tricks 🙋
70mn
Britain’s population by 2026 – net migration trends suggest the UK will reach the milestone a decade earlier than previously estimated, according to the Office for National Statistics.
Quote of note: who said…? 🎤
“Your app ought to be banned.”
(a) Republican congressman Josh Hawley to TikTok boss Shou Zi Chew.
(b) Republican congressman Josh Hawley to Grindr boss George Arison.
(c) Republican congressman Josh Hawley to Truth Social boss Donald Trump.
Find the answer here.
Stat of the week: marching orders 🪖
2.3%
Proportion of GDP the UK is spending on defence this year (aka £52bn).
Image of the week: food for thought 🍣
An example of Tokyo artist Tama-chan’s sushi-inspired artwork, created using rice and seaweed: